Cyber Sexuality
Maintaining real purity in a virtual world.
Rich Tatum
posted August 29, 2007
I recently received an e-mail from a friend. She wrote:
Do you know of any Christian articles dealing with internet flirting or cybersex? I can't seem to find anything I can relate to, and I know there must be other folks who've encountered the same thing.
Indeed. A search for cybersex within the CT Library archives turns up over 40 articles that cover the struggle with and against various forms of sexual sin online. But this issue also falls under other categories for which some very useful articles have been written. More than 200 articles address sexual immorality, 90 cover pornography, 70 deal with adultery, 42 deal with lust, 9 cover fornication, and 3 address masturbation and sensuality. In all, nearly 600 articles cover some aspect of sexuality and the believer. Most of the articles apply to life online as well as offline.
Pornography usage and cybersex traditionally have been viewed as male problems, because men are thought to be more easily excited by what they see. But women are at risk too.
According to Dr. Mark Laaser, director of the Christian Alliance for Sexual Recovery, "Historically we would have said women are addicted to romance novels or women are addicted to chat rooms," but that's changing. The number of women hooked on pornography and other "more behavioral ways of acting out" are dramatically rising. Our culture and what we spend our time thinking about are literally changing the way our brains are wired. As a result "women are getting rewired to be more visual and aggressive" and they're "acting out in direct ways."
This rewiring—which happens in men as well—is changing us neurochemically and neuroanatomically, says Dr. Laaser. And it's not only through repeated exposure to sexual imagery on TV, in advertising, or online. The primary agent of this mental transformation is due to how we use our minds: what we spend our time thinking about, fantasizing about, and meditating on. Our brains and thoughts are molded by what we surf for, how we chat, and what we write. This negative transformation is the diametric opposite (and dramatic fulfillment) of the principles found in Romans 12:1-2:
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
The good news is that the rewiring works both ways. We can positively impact the ways our minds habitually work by employing spiritual disciplines, experiencing fellowship, finding an accountability group, and addressing the spiritual and emotional needs that make us vulnerable to temptation online.
Unfortunately, too many people who struggle with the temptation to sin sexually, whether online or offline, deceive themselves into thinking they can resolve their issues alone.
Take the example of Scott, a popular youth pastor at the largest church in his denomination and an in-demand speaker across the nation. In secret, Scott became addicted to cybersex, and his thirst for it was nearly unquenchable. His secret sin ultimately became his public downfall when his sexual virtual impurity became face-to-face sin.
Or consider Russ, a senior pastor with a plum assignment whose first exposure to online pornography was through an apparently innocuous e-mail link—which he returned to again and again, leading to a furtive life of online exploration and, ultimately, an affair with a woman he met online.
Cybersex, affairs, inappropriate flirting, and so on, are sins, but as such, they are the outworking of much deeper problems. Laaser says, "All of these sexual issues … they're not the problem. They're a symptom of loneliness, feeling disconnected, feeling depressed, feeling angry. There are deeper emotional and spiritual issues that need to be addressed."
And without confession, repentance, and healthy restorative relationships, the entanglement only becomes worse.
Clay Crosse, who has struggled with sexual temptation even while singing and ministering on the national stage, offers this piece of advice for young men, echoing Paul's words from Romans 12: "I want to tell young guys that they need to start developing habits that point them in a way of morality and start enlisting a filtering system in their life that will keep them from lust."
That advice is sound, but it's not just for young guys: women, men, pastors, elders, and business leaders all need to guard their minds and take Crosse's advice to develop moral filtering habits, both online and offline.
Not only are good relationships curative for those already trapped in sexual sin online. Simple fellowship and friendship are also excellent filters. As Laaser notes, "One of our teaching principles is that fellowship equals freedom from lust. We feel that if you're in fellowship in your marriage, in your church, in your community of friends and if you're experiencing fellowship, love, healthy touch, and nurture in those ways, you're not nearly as vulnerable to these stimuli."
Those who hold high-pressure jobs and serve in leadership positions are especially vulnerable because they lack these filters. As Melissa and Louis McBurney note those who are in positions of leadership, who are "isolated, under pressure to lead exemplary moral lives, and subject to intense on-the-job emotional stress are at greater risk to become addicted to porn."
For those currently struggling with sexual addiction, cybersex temptation, or a compulsion to view pornography, there is help available to break the cycle of addiction now. The CTLibrary articles mentioned above often include references to books or online ministries created to address this very issue. You can find more resources here:
Don't flirt with your purity. Put relationship filters into place now, even if you don't feel you are susceptible to this temptation. We live in a sexually charged culture where sex sells everything. Every believer needs to have a strategy and a network of friends in place to keep themselves holy—both online and off.
Rich Tatum is a blogger, freelancer, and former online media managing editor for Christianity Today International.
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